Why Am I Always So Self-Critical? How to Master Self-Kindness
- Sarah Cosway
- Feb 23, 2022
- 9 min read
Updated: May 21
Overthinking 101 - part 2 of 11
Table of Contents
This is the second post in a series looking at common unhelpful thinking habits; the mental shortcuts and patterns that our minds take when we're feeling overwhelmed, anxious, under pressure or all of the above!
This post is going to introduce you to self-critical thinking, which, sadly, is incredibly common.
If you’ve ever asked yourself:
“Why am I always so self-critical?” or
“Why do I criticise myself so much?”,
then this post is for you.
If you’d like to start from the beginning, you can read the first post in the series (Overthinking 101 - Your Thoughts Aren’t Always Facts) to understand how these habits form and why they’re so sticky.
Before we start to look at how we can unshackle ourselves from our inner self-critic, let's first unpack what self-critical thinking actually is.
What is Self-Critical Thinking? Understanding and Unmasking Your Inner Critic
Self-critical thinking is an incredibly common mental trap, and is when your inner voice focuses on perceived flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings, usually overly harshly and without balance.
This unhelpful thinking pattern often leads to what many people call self-critical anxiety, where your thoughts turn against you in moments you need support the most.
And it can be a tricky one to shake off because deep down, in a strange way, we can believe that it's actually helping us, because at some level, it may have developed as a form of protection or motivation, like a stern inner parent trying to keep us on track.
"How will I be motivated to improve if I don't remind myself of all the improvements that can be made?"
It often sounds like tough love… but feels more like bullying.
Over time, that inner voice can become less of a guide and more of a harsh judge.
If you’ve ever found yourself questioning why you are so self-critical, it’s worth remembering that this voice may have started out with good intentions, but over time, it’s gained too much power and has become more of a hindrance than a help.
This kind of thinking might seem like it’s pushing you to do better, but over time, it wears away your confidence and makes it harder to grow.
Imagine having a coach who only shouts about what you did wrong and never acknowledges your progress, it wouldn't take long for your motivation to evaporate and be replaced by dread.
That’s the emotional cost of living with a constant inner critic: it slowly erodes your belief in yourself.
Why Being Too Self-Critical Increases Anxiety and Stress
The trouble is that constantly berating and having a lack of compassion towards ourselves can be very detrimental to our well-being.
The part of our brain where our threat response (fight or flight) lives doesn't understand that it's us giving ourselves a hard time.
All it knows is that we're under threat, and it operates on a 'better safe than sorry' basis, so it keeps us in a state of high alert to make sure we're ready to respond to the next attack.
Think of the brain’s threat system as being like a smoke alarm, it doesn’t understand whether the smoke it detects is from a house fire or your burnt toast.
It just detects something and starts blaring.
When we’re harshly self-critical, it’s like we’re constantly burning the toast, so our inner alarm keeps going off, although there’s no real danger.
If you’ve ever caught yourself feeling very self-critical during tough moments, then it’s likely that your threat system is firing off unnecessarily.
Plus, the more anxious and on edge that we feel, the more likely we are to make mistakes or struggle to cope. And of course, this can fuel even more self-criticism.
It becomes a vicious cycle: the more self-critical we are, the more anxious we feel...and the more anxious we feel, the more self-critical we become.
And often, it doesn’t stop at anxiety. Self-criticism can spiral into shame, withdrawal, and a deeper entrenchment of negative beliefs.
What's not obvious in the modern world is that this system actually evolved to protect us.
Our ancestors lived in dangerous times, and our threat system developed to protect us from predators.
It's not designed to protect us from our own thoughts.
But unfortunately, this self-preservation system misfires easily in the modern world, bringing a lot of suffering with it.
Learn more about the brain’s threat system and how it affects emotions in this related article (Understanding and Managing Feelings).
Over time, this heightened threat state can take a toll on the body, too, meaning that we can start to experience physical anxiety symptoms such as a racing heart, a tight chest, or poor sleep.
It's easy to understand that these can then contribute to ongoing feelings of stress and overwhelm, which we might label as symptoms of self-critical anxiety.
If this is feeling rather familiar, then you’re really not alone.
Many, many people live with this kind of inner critic without even realising the toll it’s taking on them.
And if all this sounds exhausting, that’s because it is! Living with self-critical anxiety is like being stuck with a blaring smoke alarm in your head that never turns off.
What Happens When You’re Too Critical of Yourself?
Imagine if another person followed you around all day, every day, pointing out your flaws, mistakes, and everything you didn’t do perfectly.
It wouldn't be a very happy life, would it?
More than likely, you'd end up feeling stressed, overwhelmed and perhaps even anxious or low. It wouldn’t take long before life started to feel pretty miserable.
We wouldn't tolerate this behaviour from a friend, and yet we seem to readily accept doing it to ourselves.
It's no wonder, then, that an overactive self-critic impacts our well-being and mental health.
It’s like we’re shadowing ourselves and relentlessly pointing out everything we think we’re doing wrong.
No escape. No pause. Just nonstop self-critique.
Tuning In to Your Inner Voice to Recognise and Challenge Self-Criticism
The first step in tackling self-critical thinking is simply becoming aware that it’s happening.
Try tuning in to your inner voice and listening to how it speaks to you; Does it sound kind and encouraging, or sharp and judgmental?
Does it have a particular tone? Does it remind you of someone from your past (a critical parent or a harsh teacher)?
Some people find it helpful to write their thoughts down in a ‘thought record’ or ‘self-talk log’ (a technique often used in cognitive behavioural therapy).
This can be a powerful tool in recognising negative thinking patterns and bringing more awareness to your inner dialogue.
Most people are surprised at what they can catch their inner critic telling them, and it can be shockingly harsh, with us talking to ourselves in ways that we'd never dream of speaking to someone else.
Once you've started tuning into your inner voice, the next step is to learn to respond to it differently.
A Friendlier Approach: How Self-Kindness Helps You Overcome Self-Criticism
Think what it would be like to say those same things to a friend or loved one...is it something you would say?
If not, why not? What makes it different when it's directed at you?
Most people I work with tell me that they wouldn't dream of talking to a friend or loved one in the way that they speak to themselves.
So ask yourself:
If I wouldn't speak to a friend or loved one in that way, why is it acceptable to speak to myself that way?
Learning to relate to yourself like a friend doesn’t mean letting yourself off the hook. It means helping yourself up instead of kicking yourself when you’re already down.
Once you start to notice the things your self-critic is telling you, then you can start to develop a willingness to relate to yourself in a kinder way.
Be a friend to yourself...think what you would say to a friend if they were in your situation and repeat that to yourself, instead of the harsh things that originally sprung to mind.
And don't forget to show kindness towards your self-critic, thanking them for trying to help but acknowledging that you're going to try something a bit different this time.
Overcoming Self-Criticism Starts with Embracing Kindness
The key takeaway from all this? Being kind to ourselves really does matter and really does make a difference.
It is easy to overlook the impact of constant self-criticism, especially if we believe that it's helping us in some way.
But the reality is that the negative impact on our well-being of self-criticism is substantial.
It chips away at our well-being, fuelling stress, anxiety, and sometimes even depression.
By listening to our inner voice and questioning why we talk to ourselves in ways we would never dream of speaking to others, we open the door to self-compassion.
Instead of relentless critique, we can offer ourselves support and encouragement instead.
Be the friend to yourself that you strive to be for others.
Self-compassion isn't a luxury, it's a lifeline. Start with small steps and stay curious.
This article is one part of a series tackling unhelpful thinking patterns that can contribute to anxiety and low self-esteem, along with a host of other challenges such as stress, overwhelm, and low mood.
To find out about the other common thinking traps, you can explore the full 'Overthinking 101' series by following the links below:
Black & White Thinking - the tendency to see things in extremes, with no space for nuance...a situation is either a complete success or a total failure
Overgeneralising - the tendency to take one negative event and extrapolate it to everything
The Mental Filter - the tendency to focus only on the negative aspects of a situation whilst filtering out any positives
Mountains & Molehills - the tendency to magnify negatives and minimise positives
Mind Reading - the tendency to assume that we know what other people are thinking, and usually then assuming it's something negative
Catastrophising - the tendency to assume the worst possible outcome will happen, even in situations where it's not very likely
Shoulds & Musts - the tendency to hold ourselves to unrealistic expectations and rules, that invariably set us up for failure
Judgments & Labelling - the tendency to attach negative labels to ourselves and others based on isolated events
Emotional Reasoning - the tendency to believe that our emotions are an accurate representation of the reality of a situation
Glossary: Not Sure What Something Means?
A quick explainer of the terms used in this article, because clarity helps quiet the inner critic, too!
Self-Criticism | The unhelpful thinking habit of judging yourself harshly. Usually focusing on mistakes you've made or flaws you perceive in yourself. It can chip away at confidence and fuel feelings of inadequacy. |
Inner Critic | That internal voice that points out all your shortcomings, second-guesses your actions, and whispers in your ear that you’re not good enough. It often mimics the tone of past criticism from others. |
Self-compassion | Responding to your struggles with openness, kindness, understanding, and care. In the same way as you would care for a close friend who is hurting. |
FAQ: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Criticism
What does self-criticism actually mean?
What causes a person to become self-critical?
What does self-criticism look like in everyday life?
Is self-criticism linked to anxiety or low self-esteem
What are the negative effects of self-criticism?
Why am I so hard on myself?
How do I stop being overly critical of myself?
If your mind still feels like a battleground, that’s okay. Many people feel the same.
Support is within reach.
About the author: Sarah Cosway is a BABCP-accredited Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapist with over a decade of experience working in mental health both within the NHS and in private practice. She offers tailored CBT in a compassionate, collaborative environment, empowering clients to build resilience and manage their mental wellbeing with confidence.
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