OCD and Relationships: How to Support a Loved One Without Enabling Compulsions

Kerry Alleyne
Apr 22
3 min read

Updated: Apr 23

Guest Post by Kerry Alleyne

Table of Contents

A cartoon illustration showing a young couple. A woman leaning into a supportive man.
The woman is troubled by OCD which is represneted by a dark grey speech bubble hovering above her saying "Why can't I just stop?" while the man’s speech bubble glows warmly, saying "That sounds really tough. How can I support you?".

Watching someone you love struggle with OCD can be heartbreaking.

You want to help, but sometimes, the things we do to ease their anxiety can accidentally make their symptoms worse.

If your partner, family member, or friend has OCD, you might feel torn between:

Reassuring them (to calm their fears)
Avoiding triggers (to prevent distress)
Helping with compulsions (because it feels cruel not to)

But these well-intentioned responses can reinforce the OCD cycle.

The good news? You can be supportive without enabling compulsions, and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can help.

Understand the OCD Cycle (So You Don’t Accidentally Fuel It)

OCD thrives on two things: obsessions (intrusive thoughts) and compulsions (rituals to neutralize anxiety).

Example:

Obsession: "What if I contaminated my partner with germs?"
Compulsion: Excessive handwashing or demanding reassurance.

The trap? Compulsions provide short-term relief but long-term reinforcement.

Every time your loved one gives in to a compulsion, their brain learns:

"That thought was dangerous, and the ritual did prevent harm."

A cartoon scene showing a gentle, expressive character stuck in a looping cycle representing OCD. The cycle is a circular path labeled with signs.
labelled “INTRUSIVE THOUGHT”,
“ANXIETY”, “COMPULSION”,
“TEMPORARY RELIEF”, and
“REINFORCEMENT”.

The character looks anxious as they stand in the centre, holding a bottle of hand sanitizer and a checklist.

How to help instead:

Normalise uncertainty: Instead of reassuring them, say: "I know this feels scary, but I believe you can handle this anxiety."
Avoid participating in rituals: If they ask, "Did I lock the door?" resist checking for them.

Set Boundaries—With Compassion

Loving someone with OCD doesn’t mean sacrificing your own well-being.

Common enabling behaviours to avoid:

Repeatedly answering the same reassurance-seeking questions
Adjusting your routines to accommodate their compulsions (e.g., avoiding certain words, places)
Taking over tasks they avoid due to OCD (e.g., cleaning for them because of contamination fears)

What to do instead:

Be firm but kind: "I love you but answering that question again won’t help you in the long run."
Encourage delay: "Let’s sit with this anxiety for 10 minutes before doing anything."

Support Exposure Work—Without Taking Over

The gold-standard treatment for OCD is Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), a type of CBT that teaches people to face fears without compulsions.

How you can help:

Celebrate small wins: Did they resist washing their hands after touching a doorknob? Acknowledge their effort!
Be a cheerleader, not a coach: Don’t push them into exposures they’re not ready for—leave that to their therapist.
Model tolerance of uncertainty: If they worry about making a "wrong" decision, say: "It’s okay not to be 100% sure."

A cartoon scene depicting a young person nervously poised at the edge of a stepping stone path labeled “Exposure”. Off to the side, a supportive friend enthusiastically cheers with raised pom-poms. A panel shows a previous, less encouraging interaction where both people have anxious expressions. Signs reading “YOU'VE GOT THIS!” and “ONE STEP AT A TIME” line the path. The scene depits supporting someone through exposure exercises for OCD

Communicate Without Judgement

OCD thoughts are often irrational, but the fear is real.

Shaming ("That’s ridiculous!") or dismissing ("Just stop thinking about it!") can backfire.

Try these CBT-informed responses instead:

"That sounds really tough. How can I support you without reinforcing the OCD?"
"I don’t need to agree with the thought to understand why it upsets you."

Take Care of Yourself Too

Supporting someone with OCD can be exhausting. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Self-care tips for you:

Take Time for Yourself
Engage in hobbies, exercise, or simply rest. Recharging your own energy makes you a better support system.

Practice Mindfulness or Relaxation Techniques
Deep breathing, meditation, or even short walks can help manage stress and keep you grounded.
Therapy for yourself—processing your own emotions helps you show up better.
Remember: Their recovery is their journey. You’re there to support, not to fix.

Final Thought: Love Is Support, Not Surrender

Helping a loved one with OCD isn’t about eliminating their anxiety, it’s about empowering them to face it.

By setting gentle boundaries, resisting reassurance traps, and encouraging ERP principles, you will be a great support.

A cartoon scene depicting a heartwarming scene of a young child and their parent standing at the beginning of a misty path labeled “LIVING WITH OCD.” The child, with wide, hopeful eyes and tousled brown hair, clutches a small, worn backpack labelled "COURAGE", while the parent stands slightly behind, a gentle hand resting reassuringly on the child's shoulder with an expression of unwavering love and trust. Along the winding path, weathered wooden signs bear the words “BOUNDARIES”, “BRAVERY”, and “SUPPORT” . In the distant background, a silhouetted figure labeled “OCD” watches from a shadowy distance, maintaining a respectful distance from the primary focus of the scene.

About the Author

Kerry Alleyne is a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist (CBT) accredited by the British Association for Behavioural & Cognitive Psychotherapies (BABCP) and an EMDR therapist specialising in obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and generalised anxiety disorder (GAD).

She is passionate about making therapy accessible and providing evidence-based support that acknowledges both the physical and emotional aspects of mental health.

When working with clients, she draws on her CBT and EMDR training to create personalised therapeutic approaches that respect each person's unique experiences and needs.

Website: https://resilientmindtherapies.co.uk/