Are my feelings valid, or am I overreacting?

It is common to feel like a reaction is 'too much,' but your feelings are always a valid reflection of your internal state. What looks like an overreaction is usually a logical response to a much larger 'internal weight' of past experiences you are currently carrying.

What is considered overreacting in a relationship?

In a relationship, a 'disproportionate' response to a small event—like a partner’s distracted tone or a missed call—is often a sign of emotional stacking. You aren't just reacting to the single event; you are reacting to the deeper emotional weight it represents.

Why are my reactions so intense?

Intense emotions often occur because our brains are designed to recognize patterns to protect us. When a current event feels like an old, unprocessed pain from your past, your nervous system bridges the gap and causes you to react to every similar experience at once.

Is it reasonable to be upset over small things?

Yes, because those 'small things' act like a stone thrown into a pond; the ripples touch everything else in the water. You aren't just reacting to a standalone event; you are responding to a lifetime of experiences.

Why Do I Overreact? Understanding Emotional Stacking and What to Do About It

Q: How can I tell if I am overreacting?

Instead of judging the intensity of your response, try shifting to curiosity. Ask yourself: 'What does this feeling remind me of?', 'Where else in my life have I felt like this before?', and 'Is this just about today, or is there something else being triggered?'

Jenny Palmer | BABCP
May 12
3 min read

Guest Post by Jenny Palmer

Therapy illustration of emotional stacking and triggers showing a person carrying a backpack of past selves.

You snap at your partner over something tiny. You spiral after a minor criticism. Later, you wonder: "why do I overreact?"

When you overreact to something small, it is rarely about that one thing. It is about every other time you have felt the same way and never fully processed it.

In my practice, I frequently see clients sit across from me, eyes welling with tears or hands shaking with frustration, only to immediately apologise.

They’ll say: "I’m sorry, I know I’m overreacting—it was just a distracted tone from my partner or a friend forgetting to call".

If you have ever felt this way, please know: your reaction is valid.

As a therapist, I can tell you that we are very rarely reacting to just a single event happening in front of us.

What looks like a "disproportionate" reaction is actually a very logical response to a much larger internal weight that we are carrying based on several other experiences.

The Layers of the "Now"

When an experience hits us, it isn't just a standalone event.

It’s more like a stone thrown into a pond; the ripples spread out and touch everything else in the water.

We aren't just reacting to that event; we are reacting to how that moment impacts us emotionally.

If a partner forgets an anniversary, you aren't just upset about a date on a calendar.

You are feeling the weight of what that absence represents:

Am I seen?
Do I matter?
Am I a priority?

It might also trigger memories of other experiences that have led you to feel similarly, or even ask similar questions.

Why Overreacting Is the Echo of the Unprocessed

The reason your feelings can become so incredibly intense is due to emotional stacking.

Our brains are designed to protect us by recognising patterns.

If you have "unprocessed" experiences (moments of hurt, rejection, or fear that were never fully felt or resolved), they don't just disappear.

They stay in your nervous system.

When something happens today that feels like that old pain, your brain bridges the gap between all the events.

You aren't just overreacting to a missed call today; you are reacting to every time you felt ignored as a child, every time a friend let you down, and every time you felt invisible or abandoned.

You are reacting to all of those experiences at once – in that very moment.

Shifting from Judgement to Curiosity

The next time you feel a surge of "intense" emotion, I want you to try to step out of the cycle of self-criticism.

Instead of asking: "What is wrong with me?",

try asking:

"What does this feeling remind me of?"

"Where else in my life have I felt like this before?

"Is this just about today, or is there something else within these experiences being triggered?

When you acknowledge that the intensity of your reaction is a map of your history, the shame begins to dissolve.

You aren't overreacting and being dramatic; you are being human.

You are responding to a lifetime of experiences, and that deserves your compassion, not judgement.

About the author: Jenny Palmer is a BABCP-accredited Psychotherapist with 12+ years of experience in the NHS and private practice. As a ‘root cause’ therapist based in London and online, she specialises in CBT, EMDR, and Couples Therapy. She helps individuals and partners navigate Trauma, Low Self-esteem, and complex emotional patterns. Her focus is on getting to the heart of the issue to ensure recovery is deep, sustainable, and long-lasting.